불안

Haven't blogged in ages, but since this issue has been in my mind for quite abit, I shall just write about it. After all, this blog is meant for me to vent my frustrations and act as an outlet for me to not keep things to myself. 

Actually this issue isn't kept to myself, in fact I have been talking about it frequently these days. Well, I'm sure everyone has their own form of insecurity. For me, I have this strong insecure feeling over a part of my body -- the armpits.

Since young, I already had dark underarms. I also had a ridiculous amount of fat deposited to my armpit area. When I was still in primary school and lower secondary, it didn't seem to bother me that much. But me being a girl, I started to get extremely disturbed by the fact my armpits are this way. I started detering myself from sleeveless tops and dresses, so that nobody could see how horrendous they look. I would only wear sleeveless clothing when I was at home.

I know that my body is this way because it just is and I have to love myself for it, but its just too difficult. Talking to some of my friends about it, they told me not to care and it wasn't obvious anyway, but I myself know that it was definitely visible. I emvy those girls with nice armpits and get to wear sleeveless clothing almost all the time, because the only thing they had to worry about was shaving. 

In this judgemental society we live in, its really difficult for me to wear sleeveless clothing out in public, fearing that people will judge me for having dark underarms and really fat arms. Since I came from an all gorls' school, I know that girls judge each other the most, even I used to judge girls who had dark underarms despite having them myself. 

I've tried many methods to whiten my underarms, but nothing seem to work. Whitening creams, whitening deodorant, lemon juice etc, NOTHING! But thankfully I've found an exfoliating scrub that somehow improved the condition of my dark armpits, and I've been using it ever since, despite it being a little costly. I used to be really fat, so I thought that my armpit fats would go away once I lose all that extra flab. My arms did manage to become smaller, but no matter what I do, the armpit fats still remained exactly the same. 

I've come to slowly embrace the fact that my armpit fats won't go away, so I've started to wear muscle tanks and sleeveless tops which have slightly more fabric on the arms, so that it could cover the fat. However, it really pains me to not be able to raise my hands confidently because of the darkness hidden beneath. I really hope that my armpits do whiten soon, then I can be just like the other girls, looking pretty in sleeveless tops in this hot weather. 

친구가 맞아요?

Haven't blogged in pretty much ages ever since school went full swing. There's just so much stress to deal with! Sigh ... And I don't think I'd actually be blogging if I didn't feel this disturbed. But thank god there's other distractions like Voices and Reveluna hehe. Not forgetting 1D01 too!

Sometimes I wonder if we're really friends, or am I just someone whom you have to rant to and just someone to listen to you ramble about the same things over and over again. Actually, as much as I listen to you rant, you still have to control your fucking mood. Every few hours you get pissed off at something or someone, then you start being the biggest bitch to the entire world just because of that. Then you return back to normal like a few minutes later and expect people to be how they are like to you on a daily basis again. 

Not trying to complain but please do something about it like go for anger management lessons or something. I don't wish to hear about your rendezvous with which new guy in school either. Just like how you're so piled up with assignments, so am I, and I don't have the spare time to give a fuck about this new guy you're talking to in school. 

I'm just joking with you and you can't even take it and start hurling vulgarities at me. The fuck? Telling me to stop is one thing but hurling vulgarities while at it as if its a big fucking hooha isn't. Now you don't even talk to me. Hah, are we really even that close as we think we are? I'm not even sure anymore, I'm starting to have doubts. I'm getting tired ....

It Hurts

Never felt so dejected in my entire life. I've never wanted something so badly. I got rejected for doing the only thing I can do well. My heart really hurts.

I know I probably wasn't confident enough, but I wanted it so badly to the extent I got so afraid. I never cried for any auditions in my entire life, yet I cried 3 times for this. And this is only a CCA. It's not even something THAT important to my life.

During auditions, I got criticized for not bringing justice to my own idol. To the idol I love and respect the most. I felt so ashamed and upset my entire mind went blank. I lost it. And needless to say I didn't even know how to continue the remaining of my audition. I walked out of the audition room crying. Firstly, I screwed up. I know I did. Secondly, I felt so ashamed of myself. For someone to tell me I didn't bring justice to the ones I admire the most. I felt like I could never face my idols anymore. I got so badly affected I just broke down. I couldn't hold it back anymore.

Not only did I get rejected, I wasn't even called back for reauditions. That just hurts me even more. Honestly, right there and then I wanted to cry when the results were sent to me. I felt like since I was rejected for my singing, I might as well not sing anymore. Like what's the point in singing when nobody even likes it. My friends keep telling me not to get affected, but it already did. With that rejection alone, I felt like I can't even do what I love doing and can do right.

If I get rejected by choir as well, I'm really never going to sing in my life ever again.

하루만

Haven't been blogging for some time now, basically because poly has begun. Life has been super tiring and hectic. Just 2 weeks of poly, and so much has happened already. 

Made some really nice friends in class, and I'm really happy that my class is friendly, unlike those in SAC. Signed up for Choir, Acapella and CCA Champs auditions/interviews. I wonder why. 

Anyway, this past week has been nothing much except for school and the Labour Day holiday where I basically just slept throughout the entire day (okay not really, I went out for Korean BBQ with the SECRRet kids). I think I'm gonna take a nap now before I reach school. Bye.

I hate this part right here ...

Wasn't planning on blogging but I felt stuffy so I just decided to type up a blogpost before sleeping. Well, school officially starts tomorrow (or today). New school, new people, somewhat new life.

I'm just really nervous, thinking about all these. What if I can't make any new friends? I understand that during orientation everybody talks to everybody, but I can't say the same for when school starts. I've had so many bad past experiences with these sort of things in secondary school already, and I really don't want history to repeat itself for the next 3 years. 

I'm really afraid of being judged by my new classmates. I'm afraid that they won't want to befriend me. What should I do? These people are going to be with me for the next 3 years, and if I don't find anyone I can be comfortable with, I really don't know how am I supposed to survive in class. 

I'm just hoping for the best by trying to include myself into everything and basically just talking to everybody. Many say that it doesn't matter what people think of you, but I feel that in this modern society, this really doesn't apply. I'm so so scared of being left out by my classmates and stuff. At this point I feel, if I actually went for the bonding camp, would I be in this position today? 

So far my classmates don't have anything against me, I just hope to be closer to them and be their friend. It's sort of difficult considering how everyone has their own partners and what not, that I can't find one other lonely person to talk to and befriend. I think I need to hide certain parts of myself, conceal them so that these new people in my life don't see  and accept me. It seems like that's all I can do, isn't it? 

NP DEFOP 2014!

Wazzup. Had orientation for the past 2 days and it was both fun and tiring! Met really nice classmates and SLs, as well as people from other courses. Kind of regretted not joining DEBC but oh well, what's done is done.

Had a pleasant surprise while at orientation. It turns out that I'm not the only SACian in DE! Hui Qi's also in DE with me, and we're both in HLFM! Just that we're in different classes and have different paths, sigh. But it's okay! We have similar breaks and all! And I can't wait to see Rachel on Monday!

Still deciding between joining song composing or choir. Either way I still want to go back into music related CCAs. And both of these CCAs won't clash with my lessons! Wanted to join dance CCAs but it was too much since they have trainings on Saturdays. Really not willing to drag my ass to school for dance trainings on a Saturday morning.

Gonna be wearing my DE shirt to bed tonight. Even though it's size S it's still big! But nonetheless it's comfy. Almost fainted again today (good job Christabelle) and had 2 seniors fan me omg. I'm really not used to this because in secondary school it was usually my teachers doing all these nonsense for me. Yet now it's my seniors, and they're guys. I feel bad though. But seriously there are so many eyecandies around NP omg.

Going for high tea at Equinox with my aunt tomorrow! Honestly should sleep early tonight but nah. I need to catch up on Skype with the bestest and upload one of our videos which we filmed not too long ago! It takes such a long time to upload a video omg YouTube you might wanna increase your upload speeds I really don't have 200 minutes to spare for uploading. I guess that's pretty much all. 쁑!

All Or Nothing

Apparently I forgot that I ordered an AON beanie and asked for it to be delivered to me ... And when it arrived today I was wondering what the heck was in the package. I'm such an idiot hahaha dumb Christabelle strikes. Again. The beanie is really pretty though, but also very expensive. I got the yellow green one, and it has little silver spade studs on it. I love spades. I'll wear it to school next time hehe.

Created a new Facebook account because of the amount of mess from my previous one. I guess I will be using both but I'll be more biased to the new one since it's alot more .. how should I put it ... organised? Funny episode, I tried looking for my own account to add certain friends from it, yet I couldn't find myself nor my friend. Hmm, that's weird. Went through so much unnecessary trouble to add one person. Seriously, Facebook.

Regretting my haircut now. I hate having short ponytails. I miss seeing my long ponytails. I think I suit long hair better, but my aunt thinks that my hair length now is perfect. If I don't tie my hair up it's too long to keep me cool, yet if I want to tie it it's so troublesome because of the length. Even after tying it in a high ponytail, the ends keep tickling my neck. And it's too short to bun it up. At least I could bun my hair fully when my hair was long. My hair was never easy to tie, so having shorter hair makes it harder. Hurry and grow please, hair.

Orientation's next week, and school's starting the week after. My current timetable looks kinda painful, but Rach's one was worse omg. She has school everyday from Mondays to Saturdays. And quite a few 8am lessons. I have an 8am tutorial on Thursdays but thankfully its from 1st May to 7th August only. Also on Tuesdays for odd weeks I have 2 lectures. I thought I got rid of the odd and even week burdens ever since secondary school ended, but OH WELL THANKS ALOT NP.

얼음들

Since Blogger decided to be a swine on my previous post, here I go again.

Woke up to a KFC Original Twister (without the tomatoes)~ Showered and walked down to NTUC to get some stuff. Jaywalked like a boss and then filled up the basket with a bunch of groceries and shit. They had the Meiji Coffee Milk on sale for 2 @ $5.55, but looking at my basket I was like nope, too much burden. So I went home and told my daddy to get it for me instead hehe.

Bestest came over at around 5pm to use my scanner. She decided to stay for dinner and we ended filming another tag video. We did the Best Friend Tag on the 7th, so we decided to do another one since all we could do then was watch a bunch of live performances from Britney Spears and The Pussycat Dolls. Oh and Beyonce too.

Played with the aqua bead stuff and made a bunch of stuff. We decided to go get the PYSSLA beads from IKEA and make stuff too. Bestest thought PYSSLA was spelt as "siala" and she didn't even realise it until I said it out for her through my laughter. We ended up just laughing non stop for a whole minute before finding out the actual spelling. Ah, we're such idiots.

Skyped with bestest after she got home. And the wifi sucks balls. I even had to connect to my phone's personal hotspot to fund my computer with internet access. Urgh. Changing my phone in around a month's time! Hehe yay! Can't wait.

그냥~

Had nothing much to do, so I decided to just type up a blog post.

Angel's back in Singapore, meaning I'll be receiving my 4 Crush albums (+ 4 of the exact same poster) as well as the Sungjong OGSR set from her. Excited to see which member polaroids I got! Really hoping for the real polaroids.

Going for a staycation this Saturday at Mandarin Orchard. Can't wait to use my bath bomb that my beloved dumb duo partner got for me for Christmas! It's the Father Christmas bath bomb from LUSH, from their Christmas collection. I really love LUSH products so much that I really need to put myself on a LUSH ban. I have the LUSH facial serum, hair treatment, body lotion, shampoo, exfoliator as well as 2 soap bars of Honey I Washed The Kids, which smells so good and I can't wait to start using them! I also have the LUSH sugar lip scrub in Mint Julips, which tastes super good! I have a feeling my future bathroom will be covered in LUSH products ㅋㅋㅋ

Don't really have much plans for my birthday this Sunday, except for the fact I have Korean lessons in the afternoon. I don't mind actually, since its something to do, and I have my friends with me. Made a deal with Hui Ying to Skype on the night of both 5th and 7th April, so I guess my birthday won't be boring after all!

I still can't find my pencil case of post its, and last night I found out that my T-money card (subway card used in Korea, like an EZ-link) went missing too. I don't understand. I didn't even touch my post its or T-money card and its just gone like that. Sigh, why would anyone want a Korea subway card for?

Sigh, if AON SG wasn't postponed to June, it would have been tomorrow! I really miss the girls so much. The last time I saw them was in June last year, at Asia Style Collection. I tried my luck in Korea but I didn't manage to see them though. I miss Korea right now, CAN SOMEONE BRING ME BACK? Singapore's weather is way too humid and now my aircon is not working properly! Sigh, I need the coolness back!

제일 친한 친구

This isn't gonna be some rant post or anything on the anger side, its gonna be a happy post hehe.

Went out with my bestest Hui Ying today and spent like $150+. I really need to control my spending, like really. 

Left the house at 1pm to head to NTUC to buy a bottle of mineral water, but NTUC didn't have any .... WHAT THE HILL. Then I went to post 2 letters for my aunt since I was on the way. After which I remembered that I'll be walking past 7eleven so I could buy my mineral water there (I'm so stupid to even forget that there was a 7eleven). Got my water, and I continued my journey under the scalding hot sun to City Plaza (aircon). 

Went to Watsons to take a look since I had nothing to do, and I saw this long ass queue of people waiting to pay. I was thinking "What in the world why is everyone buying from Watsons", then I found out there was a sale going on and it was the last day. But seriously, sale aside, the amount of OLs and aunties buying baskets of tissue paper and cotton pads was scary. As if it was the end of the world and that was the only shipment of tissue and cotton pads left. Typical Singaporeans I guess.

Walked around City Plaza and bought this sleeveless black top with the words "Make Up Your Mind" in the middle. It also has a cape like thing at the back, so it looks like a skirt in some sort? Got the top at $35 hehe. Saw some kiddy rides that had Sesame Street on it so we HAD to camwhore! 

Took a bus to Bugis then bought a pink eyeshadow and my aunt's CC cream from Etude House. Then headed to Bugis + for some food - Ireland Potatoes. Got the yoghurt cream fries, was pretty good, but after a while you get kind of sick of the cream. Weird combination but surprisingly good! 

Got a $12 red watch at Bugis Street for outfit purposes then left. Walked to Orchard after that and went to Far East Plaza to get my nails done. Had a gelish manicure done and the results were super pretty! The service at the salon was good too. Would definitely go back to do a gelish cow nail art manicure before school starts! 

Headed to ION Orchard next and went to Topshop to get my boypants. They were having a sale of 3 for $19! Wanted to get all 3 Moomin designs but only managed to get 2 since they didn't have my size for the last one ㅠㅠ So I got 2 Moomins and 1 #Selfie one! 

Before going home we decided to go to Scape. Passed by Tangs so I decided to check at the Benefit counter whether they had the eye primer, so I got that too! Got myself the eyeshadow brush and finally went off to 313@Somerset so I could get myself the pair of Forever 21 earrings! It is actually a rose with a horn behind, and I got it in silver! 

Gonna be starting a YouTube channel with Hui Ying and vlogging together there. I mean, why not? It's always fun to do that! 

April Fools Day

Hehe, so since it's April Fools... Some of the fansites decided to switch their identities and I couldn't stop laughing at all of them ㅎㅎㅎ It's so funny I couldn't take it. Let the screenshots do the talking! 

WINNER fansite becoming a GOT7 fansite

A Seunghoon fansite becoming a Bom fansite (and vice versa lol)

A ZE:A fansite becoming a 5566 fansite

GD fansite becoming a CL fansite

TOP fansite becoming a GD fansite

Lee Hi fansite becoming a Haru fansite

And my favourite of them all, a CL fansite turning into a Jjangmae fansite ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

살아 봤으면 해

I don't know, but I've been feeling weird again. My heart is so unsettled, so is my mind. Been getting so easily frustrated these days, maybe it's just the weather. This kind of feeling sucks, a lot.

It's less than a week to my birthday. Haha, so what. Nobody gives a fuck anyway. Haven't had a birthday celebration in 5 years. In some cases, people don't even realise it's my birthday. Take my family members for example. "Oh ya it's your birthday on that day right?" They don't even remember. The last time I received a birthday gift from my own family? I don't know. Maybe 5 years ago. And that was because I used that as an excuse for them to buy me something costly I really wanted back then. This year's probably gonna be the same. Yeah, I get the birthday wishes and all. But actually all I want is someone to spend time with me on my birthday. A friend maybe. I always see other's instagram posts on how they celebrated their birthdays with a group of friends out having a meal together and such. I want to experience that too ㅠㅠ Will I get a chance like this? 

마음이 너무 불안하다... 어떻게? 그냥 이렇게 살아? 난 아무도 몰라 지금... 친구는... 정말 내 친구가 맞아? 낯선사람 같은데. 미치도록 나 죽어싶다. 이런 생각은... 아 ㅡㅡ 머리 아파. 

What in the world

Haven't blogged in awhile, so I decided to sit down and blog abit.

So 2 days ago, I was out with my other half from the dumb duo. An interesting day, first heading down to SAC to collect my graduation certificate then heading down to town. 

So while we were chatting about the most ridiculous things as always (who are we kidding, we're the dumb duo) then we got to the topic about this certain someone. I already knew that she was stabbing me in the back, but whatever she said really took the cake.

Long story short, this is basically what she meant. She said I was "desperate for guys". Let me repeat that. DESPERATE FOR GUYS. Oh lord jesus christ this is such a joke. Girl please. You're the one desperate for guys, and we all know that. Don't randomly drag me into the situation just to make yourself look better off. Just please, maintain abit.

Oh oh another thing, she told my other half of my dumb duo that she "doesn't know me". Wow, then let me tell you this, YOU DON'T KNOW ME. Don't pretend and behave like you know me so well. Even just comparing you with Rach, she knows me way more than you do. You have got to be kidding me. You're a mess.

JAE

Since I can't sleep, I have decided to type up a blog post. This one's gonna be about the JAE, which was quite a struggle. Thank god that war's over and done with.

So, when I got the JAE results by sms that morning, I got posted to Temasek Polytechnic. The course I was posted to was my 6th choice in JAE. I was pretty upset that I didn't get into Ngee Ann or Singapore Polytechnic, but I was pretty grateful considering hearing of many friends getting posted to Republic Polytechnic. I cried for quite some time, and after I was slightly more clear minded, I went to turn on my laptop and went onto the JAE Appeal portal to submit an appeal. 

Fast forward to the JAE Appeal results day. I woke up in the morning to prepare for work, and I was checking my emails. I saw this email from Temasek Polytechnic, so I was like "huh what's going on". Nonetheless I still went onto the website to find out what exactly was going on. Once I logged in to the portal, I saw this. 

Well, this obviously scared the hell out of me because my place in Temasek was declined. I was pretty sure I didn't receive my enrolment package yet so I couldn't have lost my place out of the blue. I rushed to the JAE Appeal portal and the site says that results will be released at 2pm. Then it struck me. What if my appeal failed? Wouldn't I have no school? 

I decided to wait for the results to be released, then decide whether I have to call up Temasek or not. I had my lunch break for work at 3pm, so once I got myself settled down with my food, I decided to access the portal to witness my fate. The site was jammed up, so I only managed to log in nearing the end of my break, which means to say that I spent an hour getting so freaked out over the results. 

And when the page finally loaded, I saw this!

Man, I was so overjoyed I called up my dad and told him the great news. I was so excited because I made it into Ngee Ann Polytechnic~! Hooray! 

That's pretty much the whole JAE mess that happened in the month of February. It's already 1.03am, time to sleep. Goodnight, and bye.

이렇게 끝이 나네요

So, I was contemplating whether to blog about this or not. And I finally decided that I should, so here goes.

I finally brought myself to thrash things out with her. It wasn't much but, it definitely made me feel slightly more relieved since, you know, it isn't a nice feeling to be bottling things up. After seeking advice from a few friends, I decided to go ahead with my plan to thrash things out.

The situation began like this: I started work in December, so on the 2nd day of my retail work, she was still very nice to me. However, after I got transferred to Vivo City's outlet, all of a sudden things changed. I sensed some indirect tweets towards me which I have no idea why was any of my actions in Vivo offensive to her. She hardly even spoke to me then onwards. 

Then after I came back to Raffles City's outlet, she already changed her attitude towards me. Like the change was so obvious. It lasted for quite a while, and sometimes it made me angry, because I'm a person too, and I shouldn't be put through such situations when I'm not even at fault (or in this case, I should say, I don't even know what's going on). I have feelings too, so it isn't fair that I'm always poorly treated by people and yet I swallow it up and not speak/confront the person about it. 

Now that I've thrashed it out with her, she didn't reply me. I'm not asking for a reply, but it isn't right to be tweeting "but you don't care anyway so its fine". Hello? If I didn't care, I wouldn't even type out that entire paragraph and send it to you. Yes, I admit I don't have the balls to say it to your face directly, so I choose to WhatsApp you about it. But seriously, are you deciding to not admit that you did change your attitude towards me? 

I honestly just want to throw darts at you. You don't have to be arrogant about the fact that I spoke up about this matter. If you still want to be friends, then I'm cool with it - aka we can have random conversations and you won't keep looking at me with this black as hell face all day. If you don't want to be friends anymore, then its fine by me - I save myself from a lot of burden that the future may bring because its highly likely that you will change your attitude towards me again very very soon. 

I'm leaning towards the not being friends side because I really don't have the spare energy to keep up with your attitude and mood changes. I don't want to waste my time on people like you anymore. I've already wasted a lot, and I'm not gonna waste anymore. Seeing your face at work now just makes me really sian to work because you just give me that sickening as hell face. You were the one who wanted to change jobs, so why not you go and find your higher paying job? Why are you still here? What happened to your universal traveller? Your cheese promoter? Your vacuum cleaner promoter? All those jobs that pay so much higher than Cocoa Trees? What a scumbag. I'm so done with you, and forever will be.