Just yesterday, I finally decided to end my friendship with my 3 friends, or should I say classmates, now that we're no longer friends anymore.
At that moment when I replied back to the text saying if I want to end it, I felt this sense of happiness in me. I felt so light hearted, as if there was a stone that was lifted from me. Usually when friendships end, I would feel really upset and won't feel like living. However, this time, I was smiling.
To be honest, these 3 people are really nice people, however, being friends with them is stressful. I'm not going to elaborate on that, but basically it wasn't how I pictured a friendship to be like.
When they sent me those texts yesterday, I could sense the anger in them. They were saying things like "you take us for granted" and "you don't even appreciate our efforts in trying to get you back". There were also things like "don't go around acting pitiful and telling people that we treated you badly because you are the cause of your own problem."
Yes, I admit. I am an extremely problematic person. Ever since last year over a friendship issue, I've become paranoid. Especially last year, I was living with a time bomb in me. And it felt terrible. So yes, I am partly responsible for this.
But, one thing. I wonder where they got the "going around acting pitiful" part. I wasn't that free to do that. I was busy looking for alternative ways to be happy. If people around me were pitying me, then I guess its just them noticing? Idk. Also, I didn't go around telling people that they ill-treated me. I'm not that kind of person. I only remember talking to 2 classmates about it just because I was going crazy and I had to let it out.
I distanced myself away from the clique for awhile, because I felt unhappy. During recess, it was just like quiet time for me. I don't really get to talk much simply because I don't know how to include myself into the conversation. But I found another friend, and I joined her for recess, not to replace her with the clique, but because I felt happy, because I could talk!
If I were to be extremely calculative now, I can say that their efforts were not that big. Maybe about 3-4 times they asked me to sit together with them after noticing me distancing myself? And that one time on the very same day where the friendship ended, they asked if I would be willing to talk about it to clear the miscommunications. If these are what you call the constant efforts then I think you're just crazy.
When they asked if I was actually going to give up on this friendship or not, I asked myself this question. "If you manage to get this friendship back, will you be happy?" And my answer to that was a flat no. I've never experienced such a stressful friendship before. Having to bear with all their moodswings, and no mutual trust, feeling like an outcast, no, I wasn't happy at all. So I decided to end this, for the sake of my own happiness, because that's what matters most in a friendship, to me.
I hope they realise that the world doesn't revolve around them. I have tolerated a lot. But there are those times where I've made them angry, and I've mustered my courage to apologise, and that is not a simple thing to do, especially for the current me.
What I really can't stand now, is that they are putting the blame all on me. Really now? "If you didn't want this friendship, why didn't you tell us earlier?" Excuse you, I only felt like I should end it that day, can you please use your brains to actually process the information even though you're probably extremely angry? Like really, who actually knows that they want to give up on their friendship. Even if they do, they wouldn't hold back, won't they? Why make their own lives difficult?
I will reflect on what I've done, but I guess you all should too. But since this is all over, I feel like I shouldn't bother about this anymore. Its an important year for me, I shouldn't be troubling myself over these. Instead I should focus on my studies and get the grades I want. Friends aren't everything.
