Up.

"Though I crawl on the grounds today, tomorrow I'm going up to the sky. Though the rough winds blow, I'm going up." - Up, Epik High featuring Park Bom (2NE1)

Its been a while since I've blogged. There haven't been much stuff to talk/blog about for the past few days, plus the strain from the school work and revisions because Prelim 1 is coming this Friday. Oh no.

Well a few happy things happened recently, despite having to deal with the aftermaths of the friendship with the trio. Last Saturday, I went out with one of my closest friends, Tiffany. Well we didn't really do much, except just eating lunch together then after which meeting up with another friend of mine to head to buy new shoes.

This friend of mine, Sparka, we've known each other since Primary 3, in 2006. Its been a rocky friendship since we did had some big fights, specifically 2. We both talked it out and well, I guess we're back as friends again! n___n We realised that both of us had friendship issues that were caused by people with their names starting with the letter D. I guess that means avoiding all the "D" people for awhile, for me.

So yeah, we hung out. I bought a pair of brown leopard print creepers at Far East. I did buy some other stuff too, but I guess its not really appropriate to actually talk about them here, hehe.

I also went for the handprint event by the Blackjacks in Singapore. It was fun. So glad to be in a fandom filled with so many friendly and nice people! ♡ I love you SGBJCrew! I need to think of a message to write on my handprint fast, but I have no idea what to write. Sigh, help?

I guess that's pretty much all for today's post. I'm gonna visit my niece tomorrow night, maybe I'll post up some pictures! I'm expecting my cousins to be here soon, so excited! Haven't seen them in some time! Also, its gonna be my Grandmother's 90th Birthday on 1st May! Yup, all the happy events happening. See you all soon (if anybody actually reads this)!

Ps, the picture below are my newly bought creepers! Aren't they pretty?

Ugly.

"Don't tell me that easily that you understand how I feel. I might resent you with my ugly and crooked heart. Don't talk to me, I can't get along with you. Your cold fakeness behind your arrogant eyes suffocate me. Don't come near me, I haye your attention. I wanna leave for somewhere and shout. This world is full of lies"

Yes, that's sort of how I feel now. Its a verse from 2NE1's Ugly. 2NE1's songs have never failed to make me happy, and there are also times where I can even relate to their songs, that's why I'm such a big fan of them.

Back to the main point. Blogging again today because I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I guess I was naive to think that friendships can end on a good note. Maybe in the past it was possible, but in this modern society we live in now, I doubt.

So today I was scrolling my Twitter timeline and happened to read this indirect tweet by one of the trio. At first glance, it was obvious it was directed at me. So in a fit of anger, I indirectly tweeted some words of sarcasm. That person actually directly replied that tweet, and then went off to her locked account to rant about me.

In her locked account, she was all like "last warning before I start a twitter war with you". Upon reading that, I was just sitting in my room thinking, it was only 1 tweet, and your reaction was really violent. When you sent over 10 indirect tweets about me, I read it and kept quiet about it. But now I post only 1, you can't accept it and threaten to start a war over the keyboards.

You tell me to say it to your face. But please, who would dare to do such a thing when they know that you have such a scary temper? I know I won't. And that's simply because I don't even want to begin an argument, especially at this moment. One more thing, you want me to say it to your face just because of 1 indirect tweet. But do you realise that you have never told me about the many indirect tweets? Just because I keep quiet doesn't mean I'm oblivious to the situation. I'm not that stupid okay.

You're really a very petty person. I wonder how come I was so close to you before. No wait, more like the one-sided kind of close since you were talking behind my back on how I was causing internal conflict in the clique and I'm being irritating.

Copying. If you want to put it that way, then you might as well say I copy everything that you do because I walk, I breathe, I eat, I use my phone, I take public transport, I tweet in English, I use English words, I text etc. Really? I really can't stand you. This makes me ponder on how I could do that before.

I have the rights to do what I want because I'm a human being. Even if it means copying or whatever, I'm still allowed to do it. The world doesn't revolve around you, princesses.

거짓말.

So just today, I've found out you've been lying to me, for so long. Is it that difficult for you to tell me? You say I may not be able to handle the truth, but I'd rather you tell me face front then finding out from a third party.

Putting on fake smiles in front of me, wanting to run away from me. Is it really so difficult to be friends with me? I don't get it. Why is it that every single friendship I experience, things like this always happen.

The 3 of you have something in common, and that is judging me based on the way I behave in real life and on social networks. I don't even understand why must you all do that. You all can't accept that I type differently from the way I speak? Let's try this. If let's say I type out "ohmygOD THIS IS SO CIAODKQICPSND" do you really expect me to say this entire phrase out? Hm? Let's be honest here. This is only a trivial matter. What the heck.

You are aware that I'm trying really hard to fit in. You are aware that I try my best to relate to you all. Aren't these my efforts in trying to maintain this friendship? Do you see why I chose to end it now? Do you? DO YOU?!

Though it may be hard to accept the cold hard truth in your face, but its so much better to get this once from the person herself than to actually find out weeks later that they've been lying to you all along. This is definitely something they should reflect on.

Now I feel like this ending as classmates on good terms isn't really working out. Not because of me, but because of them. But whatever. Who cares about me anyway? Its 3 (and more) against 1. What can I say? I have no backup. I can't even defend myself.

I'm just hopeless. I hope the year ends sooner and I get the grades I want, then off I go to a new school with a different life and a career to pursue. Save myself from all this trouble too. Life, can you please be a little nicer to me? I beg of you. This hurts. A lot.

나쁘다.

I don't wanna bring this topic up anymore, but this incident today has got my blood boiling, and its pretty hard for me to get angry, needless to say to this extent.

Firstly, it has been 3 days. 3 DAYS since this friendship has ended. Why are you 3 ganging up together to start tweeting to hundreds of followers indirectly about me? You told me not to go around spouting nonsense and acting pitiful, but here you are now doing exactly what you told me not to. Umm, hello?

Next, you may have texted those things in anger and all, but you have to mean what you say. If you tell me not to do it, I expect you to not do it as well since this friendship has ended and there isn't any point in tweeting your bloody ass off on your public accounts scolding me. Its funny how you have your locked accounts, yet you don't use them for situations like these. What are you trying to accomplish? You're just shameless.

I've been keeping my mouth shut about this ever since this ended because I wanted peace. But no, you decide to add oxygen to a lighted splint. Even if I did make some nasty comments, its only in my locked account where 2 people see it. And these 2 people don't actually bother about it.

I just want to have peace now. But you seem like you want to seek revenge or something. I don't understand you at all. My aunt told me, "once upon a time these 3 were your friends". I'm sick and tired of this phrase now. If this incident didn't occur, this phrase would still be useful. But now, I wish this once upon a time didn't even happen.

Its over, its over, so baby goodbye.

Just yesterday, I finally decided to end my friendship with my 3 friends, or should I say classmates, now that we're no longer friends anymore.

At that moment when I replied back to the text saying if I want to end it, I felt this sense of happiness in me. I felt so light hearted, as if there was a stone that was lifted from me. Usually when friendships end, I would feel really upset and won't feel like living. However, this time, I was smiling.

To be honest, these 3 people are really nice people, however, being friends with them is stressful. I'm not going to elaborate on that, but basically it wasn't how I pictured a friendship to be like.

When they sent me those texts yesterday, I could sense the anger in them. They were saying things like "you take us for granted" and "you don't even appreciate our efforts in trying to get you back". There were also things like "don't go around acting pitiful and telling people that we treated you badly because you are the cause of your own problem."

Yes, I admit. I am an extremely problematic person. Ever since last year over a friendship issue, I've become paranoid. Especially last year, I was living with a time bomb in me. And it felt terrible. So yes, I am partly responsible for this.

But, one thing. I wonder where they got the "going around acting pitiful" part. I wasn't that free to do that. I was busy looking for alternative ways to be happy. If people around me were pitying me, then I guess its just them noticing? Idk. Also, I didn't go around telling people that they ill-treated me. I'm not that kind of person. I only remember talking to 2 classmates about it just because I was going crazy and I had to let it out.

I distanced myself away from the clique for awhile, because I felt unhappy. During recess, it was just like quiet time for me. I don't really get to talk much simply because I don't know how to include myself into the conversation. But I found another friend, and I joined her for recess, not to replace her with the clique, but because I felt happy, because I could talk!

If I were to be extremely calculative now, I can say that their efforts were not that big. Maybe about 3-4 times they asked me to sit together with them after noticing me distancing myself? And that one time on the very same day where the friendship ended, they asked if I would be willing to talk about it to clear the miscommunications. If these are what you call the constant efforts then I think you're just crazy.

When they asked if I was actually going to give up on this friendship or not, I asked myself this question. "If you manage to get this friendship back, will you be happy?" And my answer to that was a flat no. I've never experienced such a stressful friendship before. Having to bear with all their moodswings, and no mutual trust, feeling like an outcast, no, I wasn't happy at all. So I decided to end this, for the sake of my own happiness, because that's what matters most in a friendship, to me.

I hope they realise that the world doesn't revolve around them. I have tolerated a lot. But there are those times where I've made them angry, and I've mustered my courage to apologise, and that is not a simple thing to do, especially for the current me.

What I really can't stand now, is that they are putting the blame all on me. Really now? "If you didn't want this friendship, why didn't you tell us earlier?" Excuse you, I only felt like I should end it that day, can you please use your brains to actually process the information even though you're probably extremely angry? Like really, who actually knows that they want to give up on their friendship. Even if they do, they wouldn't hold back, won't they? Why make their own lives difficult?

I will reflect on what I've done, but I guess you all should too. But since this is all over, I feel like I shouldn't bother about this anymore. Its an important year for me, I shouldn't be troubling myself over these. Instead I should focus on my studies and get the grades I want. Friends aren't everything.