Let's just say that I'm feeling rather under the weather this past week, both physically and mentally. Exams were over, and holidays rolled around. Like every other student, I was ecstatic. This time I was exceptionally excited, since I had so much planned. I was going for OIP for around 5 weeks, and I was selected to be a SL for the mid year camp, but most importantly, I was going to be with the clique the whole time - basically 2 months stuck together.
SLC came up, and I went. But I fell sick on the 2nd day, and that was when all this started. This whole camp meant so much to me, I wanted so much to be an SL, and my first and last opportunity came to me. I usually don't get accepted for DE events, but somehow this time I made it. Falling sick meant I got sent home, and I was ready to return the day after, but they dismissed me from both SLC and the main camp. BOTH. DISMISSED.
I admit I don't have the best physical condition, possibly one of the worst actually. But I tried my best, I put my heart and soul into this camp, but my efforts all went away when I was dismissed. Upon reading the email, I just cried. I read the email at around 4pm, and I cried quietly by myself while sitting in my living room all the way till 11pm. I was devastated, disappointed, angry, upset. I hated myself so much for falling sick, if I didn't fall sick none of this would have happened.
After a day or two I finally managed to tell myself to just accept the fact and move on. But upon seeing the group chats, the instagram posts, it all came back to me. I wanted to be there with them so badly. Even when I try to avoid looking at them, the feeling would still come back to me. I just couldn't let go. Even up till today, especially today, when I see the post-camp photos, with all the freshies, everyone looking so happy, it hit me the hardest. I was supposed to be there, I was supposed to be having these photos with great memories to look back on, I was supposed to be thanking the freshies for the great experience, but it all didn't happen.
I guess I'm just not fated for this. My friends tell me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. Seeing 5 instead of 6, that just hurts me. All of this hurts me. I've been wasting my days doing nothing each day because I had nothing to do and nobody to do it with. I just can't.
