Fight Song

Let's just say that I'm feeling rather under the weather this past week, both physically and mentally. Exams were over, and holidays rolled around. Like every other student, I was ecstatic. This time I was exceptionally excited, since I had so much planned. I was going for OIP for around 5 weeks, and I was selected to be a SL for the mid year camp, but most importantly, I was going to be with the clique the whole time - basically 2 months stuck together.

SLC came up, and I went. But I fell sick on the 2nd day, and that was when all this started. This whole camp meant so much to me, I wanted so much to be an SL, and my first and last opportunity came to me. I usually don't get accepted for DE events, but somehow this time I made it. Falling sick meant I got sent home, and I was ready to return the day after, but they dismissed me from both SLC and the main camp. BOTH. DISMISSED.

I admit I don't have the best physical condition, possibly one of the worst actually. But I tried my best, I put my heart and soul into this camp, but my efforts all went away when I was dismissed. Upon reading the email, I just cried. I read the email at around 4pm, and I cried quietly by myself while sitting in my living room all the way till 11pm. I was devastated, disappointed, angry, upset. I hated myself so much for falling sick, if I didn't fall sick none of this would have happened.

After a day or two I finally managed to tell myself to just accept the fact and move on. But upon seeing the group chats, the instagram posts, it all came back to me. I wanted to be there with them so badly. Even when I try to avoid looking at them, the feeling would still come back to me. I just couldn't let go. Even up till today, especially today, when I see the post-camp photos, with all the freshies, everyone looking so happy, it hit me the hardest. I was supposed to be there, I was supposed to be having these photos with great memories to look back on, I was supposed to be thanking the freshies for the great experience, but it all didn't happen.

I guess I'm just not fated for this. My friends tell me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. Seeing 5 instead of 6, that just hurts me. All of this hurts me. I've been wasting my days doing nothing each day because I had nothing to do and nobody to do it with. I just can't.

존경

Its been ages since I've blogged about anything. Due to school, I don't even have the time to write about my troubles anymore, so its clearly not as smooth sailing as it seems. Poly life has been pretty decent, but these problems are inevitable, especially when it comes to me, since I'm probably the most unlucky person ever in the friendship department of life.

There has been a few problems here and there, but they weren't that much of a problem. It seems that my patience has reached its limit, and suddenly everything around me just makes me feel uncomfortable.

Its kind of annoying actually, you're supposed to be one of my closest friends in poly, yet you don't even give me the basic respect. Yeah, I admit you do support me at times, but I cannot ignore the fact that you just don't give me the respect I deserve.

I was just voicing out my honest opinion, but what did you have to say? "Shut up, just shut up, literally, shut up". Just because you like the song, so I'm not allowed to say that I forgot the notes? That's just unfair, and rude. You make a typo, and I just laugh about it, more so just point it out in a joking manner, yet you go all apeshit on me and decide that you will throw me a string of vulgarities, repeat my accidental mispronunciation due to my braces and saliva coming into contact like more than 5 times, and calling me a "rotten xiao long bao" because another friend of mine said that as a joke the day before. Wow, that's so sweet of you ...

I can deal with your horrible anger management and lateness, but you can't even give me the respect that I give you. Tell me, do I tell you to shut up when you're giving your opinion? No.

But on my end, it sucks too. Because I don't have the courage to tell things to a person's face, until I've had enough and just want to end the relationship because its taking a toll on my life. I just suck it up and act like nothing's happen, that's my way of living. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to stand up for myself, to defend myself, to protect myself, because I clearly can't now. At this rate, I'll probably end up breaking down again like I used to in the past.

At times, I do wish that I wasn't this close to you, so I wouldn't have to be treated with such disrespect and feel like your personal punching bag all the time. It hurts. I never gotten angry at you, but you just flare up at me just because someone else has got on your nerves, What have I done to deserve this from you? Why?

I hope things get better, but for now, I'm staying out of contact from you till I have the patience and tolerance to deal with your bullshit again. Your parents may have been liberal with you letting you curse here and there freely, but note this, it offends people in the long run, also people don't even know if you mean it or not, probably you do since you're so mean to people nowadays.

불안

Haven't blogged in ages, but since this issue has been in my mind for quite abit, I shall just write about it. After all, this blog is meant for me to vent my frustrations and act as an outlet for me to not keep things to myself. 

Actually this issue isn't kept to myself, in fact I have been talking about it frequently these days. Well, I'm sure everyone has their own form of insecurity. For me, I have this strong insecure feeling over a part of my body -- the armpits.

Since young, I already had dark underarms. I also had a ridiculous amount of fat deposited to my armpit area. When I was still in primary school and lower secondary, it didn't seem to bother me that much. But me being a girl, I started to get extremely disturbed by the fact my armpits are this way. I started detering myself from sleeveless tops and dresses, so that nobody could see how horrendous they look. I would only wear sleeveless clothing when I was at home.

I know that my body is this way because it just is and I have to love myself for it, but its just too difficult. Talking to some of my friends about it, they told me not to care and it wasn't obvious anyway, but I myself know that it was definitely visible. I emvy those girls with nice armpits and get to wear sleeveless clothing almost all the time, because the only thing they had to worry about was shaving. 

In this judgemental society we live in, its really difficult for me to wear sleeveless clothing out in public, fearing that people will judge me for having dark underarms and really fat arms. Since I came from an all gorls' school, I know that girls judge each other the most, even I used to judge girls who had dark underarms despite having them myself. 

I've tried many methods to whiten my underarms, but nothing seem to work. Whitening creams, whitening deodorant, lemon juice etc, NOTHING! But thankfully I've found an exfoliating scrub that somehow improved the condition of my dark armpits, and I've been using it ever since, despite it being a little costly. I used to be really fat, so I thought that my armpit fats would go away once I lose all that extra flab. My arms did manage to become smaller, but no matter what I do, the armpit fats still remained exactly the same. 

I've come to slowly embrace the fact that my armpit fats won't go away, so I've started to wear muscle tanks and sleeveless tops which have slightly more fabric on the arms, so that it could cover the fat. However, it really pains me to not be able to raise my hands confidently because of the darkness hidden beneath. I really hope that my armpits do whiten soon, then I can be just like the other girls, looking pretty in sleeveless tops in this hot weather. 

친구가 맞아요?

Haven't blogged in pretty much ages ever since school went full swing. There's just so much stress to deal with! Sigh ... And I don't think I'd actually be blogging if I didn't feel this disturbed. But thank god there's other distractions like Voices and Reveluna hehe. Not forgetting 1D01 too!

Sometimes I wonder if we're really friends, or am I just someone whom you have to rant to and just someone to listen to you ramble about the same things over and over again. Actually, as much as I listen to you rant, you still have to control your fucking mood. Every few hours you get pissed off at something or someone, then you start being the biggest bitch to the entire world just because of that. Then you return back to normal like a few minutes later and expect people to be how they are like to you on a daily basis again. 

Not trying to complain but please do something about it like go for anger management lessons or something. I don't wish to hear about your rendezvous with which new guy in school either. Just like how you're so piled up with assignments, so am I, and I don't have the spare time to give a fuck about this new guy you're talking to in school. 

I'm just joking with you and you can't even take it and start hurling vulgarities at me. The fuck? Telling me to stop is one thing but hurling vulgarities while at it as if its a big fucking hooha isn't. Now you don't even talk to me. Hah, are we really even that close as we think we are? I'm not even sure anymore, I'm starting to have doubts. I'm getting tired ....

It Hurts

Never felt so dejected in my entire life. I've never wanted something so badly. I got rejected for doing the only thing I can do well. My heart really hurts.

I know I probably wasn't confident enough, but I wanted it so badly to the extent I got so afraid. I never cried for any auditions in my entire life, yet I cried 3 times for this. And this is only a CCA. It's not even something THAT important to my life.

During auditions, I got criticized for not bringing justice to my own idol. To the idol I love and respect the most. I felt so ashamed and upset my entire mind went blank. I lost it. And needless to say I didn't even know how to continue the remaining of my audition. I walked out of the audition room crying. Firstly, I screwed up. I know I did. Secondly, I felt so ashamed of myself. For someone to tell me I didn't bring justice to the ones I admire the most. I felt like I could never face my idols anymore. I got so badly affected I just broke down. I couldn't hold it back anymore.

Not only did I get rejected, I wasn't even called back for reauditions. That just hurts me even more. Honestly, right there and then I wanted to cry when the results were sent to me. I felt like since I was rejected for my singing, I might as well not sing anymore. Like what's the point in singing when nobody even likes it. My friends keep telling me not to get affected, but it already did. With that rejection alone, I felt like I can't even do what I love doing and can do right.

If I get rejected by choir as well, I'm really never going to sing in my life ever again.

하루만

Haven't been blogging for some time now, basically because poly has begun. Life has been super tiring and hectic. Just 2 weeks of poly, and so much has happened already. 

Made some really nice friends in class, and I'm really happy that my class is friendly, unlike those in SAC. Signed up for Choir, Acapella and CCA Champs auditions/interviews. I wonder why. 

Anyway, this past week has been nothing much except for school and the Labour Day holiday where I basically just slept throughout the entire day (okay not really, I went out for Korean BBQ with the SECRRet kids). I think I'm gonna take a nap now before I reach school. Bye.

I hate this part right here ...

Wasn't planning on blogging but I felt stuffy so I just decided to type up a blogpost before sleeping. Well, school officially starts tomorrow (or today). New school, new people, somewhat new life.

I'm just really nervous, thinking about all these. What if I can't make any new friends? I understand that during orientation everybody talks to everybody, but I can't say the same for when school starts. I've had so many bad past experiences with these sort of things in secondary school already, and I really don't want history to repeat itself for the next 3 years. 

I'm really afraid of being judged by my new classmates. I'm afraid that they won't want to befriend me. What should I do? These people are going to be with me for the next 3 years, and if I don't find anyone I can be comfortable with, I really don't know how am I supposed to survive in class. 

I'm just hoping for the best by trying to include myself into everything and basically just talking to everybody. Many say that it doesn't matter what people think of you, but I feel that in this modern society, this really doesn't apply. I'm so so scared of being left out by my classmates and stuff. At this point I feel, if I actually went for the bonding camp, would I be in this position today? 

So far my classmates don't have anything against me, I just hope to be closer to them and be their friend. It's sort of difficult considering how everyone has their own partners and what not, that I can't find one other lonely person to talk to and befriend. I think I need to hide certain parts of myself, conceal them so that these new people in my life don't see  and accept me. It seems like that's all I can do, isn't it?